Read these sentences and tell me what they have in common.
"You see that guy? He cut me off on purpose!"
"What did I do to make her treat me like that? I've been working hard to improve the relationship but it's going nowhere!"
"I asked for that time off weeks ago and she changed the schedule!"
"Yep, another flat tire. That's my life."
Did you catch what these all have in common? The common thread we're discussing is that they all take the event personally. Scratching your head and re-reading them? Yes, they all take it personally. Allow me to elaborate on these sentences to illustrate the point.
"You see that guy? He cut me off on purpose! He decided that he wanted to cut me off specifically."
"What did I do to make her treat me like that? I've been working hard to improve the relationship but it's going nowhere! She is treating me badly because I am not enough."
"I asked for that time off weeks ago and she changed the schedule just to screw with my life!"
"Yep, another flat tire. That's my life because the universe is out to get me."
We all take things personally. We all do it to varying degrees. I know some people who take few things personally. Others feel like the universe is out to get them specifically. What group do you lean toward? I used to fall into the group of thinking that the universe was out to get me. It isn't easy to not take events personally. I am going to give you a few tools to use. They will not only help you stay in a solutions-oriented mindset but assist you in forgiving others and yourself.
We need to address why we don't want to take things personally. It causes needless pain and doesn't put us in control. It puts you in a victim/blame mindset. You may be thinking to yourself, but sometimes they are personal! Are they?
First of all, it puts us in a bad space emotionally and mentally. It reinforces the idea of shame. That there is something fundamentally wrong/bad about us or whomever we blame. Yes, we make mistakes, and we want to learn from them. Shame won't help us do that. Shame is toxic. Mistakes are something we learn from analyzing. Shame is something you cannot fix because you're broken and deficient.
Secondly, a person may decide to do something to you, but their actions have very little to do with you. Generally, their actions have to do with themselves and what they want/fear. People act to get what they want or to avoid their fears. Simple as that. It is easier to see this if you begin to analyze situations that you have no involvement in. Once you begin to see the pattern of people acting out of their own self-interest, it will become easier to apply to situations in which you are involved.
For example, a friend of mine was trying very hard to grow a closer relationship with someone. That other person was not reciprocating. In some situations, they were being downright nasty! My friend thought it was her fault. It had nothing to do with my friend and everything to do with the fears and needs of the other individual. Since I'm not involved in the situation, it was easy for me to see what was motivating the other party. You may be so hurt that you need an outside perspective.
The second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic, “The Four Agreements.” Quote:
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Third, taking it personally doesn't put you in a mindset to find solutions. It puts you in a shame mindset, often a victim mindset. Instead of looking for ideas to prevent or prepare for problems, you are looking at yourself wondering why you are deficient.
Finally, it will be easier to forgive others and yourself. Now that you understand more about the reasons not to take things personally, let's talk about how. We will learn to avoid doing it or at least make a U-turn when we find ourselves spinning our wheels in the ditch.
This all seems a little clean-cut, but we know that black and white. There are messy edges. Let's analyze an easy situation, then follow it up with a harder situation.
I woke up ran down. I felt terrible. I had been feeling pretty lousy for two days. I had tried to sleep, but my kitten determined to be a kitten all night long. She was running, chittering, grabbing things that I thought were out of her reach, and climbing the curtains.
When I woke up, I didn't want to do anything. Eating well is very important to me, but cooking requires energy. I decided to make a giant healthy soup. It would be easy to prepare, eat, and feed me for a couple of days until I healed from the cold. Excited about my incredible soup, I crept out to the kitchen with a rumbling tummy. And then I realized what I had done and my stomach sank. I had left the soup out all night and now I was going to have to throw it away.
I was furious! I was frustrated! Why do these things happen to me? Ugh, I was trying to do something smart and it blew up in my face, as everything does! I stomped my feet in my best 2-year-old impression. Have you heard so much craziness about soup before? I was throwing a temper-tantrum, not looking to solve a problem. These seem like pretty big reactions to a soup. Keep in mind that I had a cold, 3 hours of sleep, and one heck of a grudge against my kitten.
My mind went over everything from the night before. My hubby and I each had a delicious bowl of soup. No lie, this soup is everything good in the world. Anyway, I put a ladle in the soup, propping the lid up. I do this to allow my sweet hubby to get more soup later because he thought he might get hungry again. More importantly, I prop up the lid of the Instant Pot so that I can clearly see that I need to put the food away.
My well-meaning hubby decided later that he was not hungry and removed the ladle for cleaning. Drained, we went to bed and now I find myself in a soupless situation.
Initially, I took it personally. I blamed the universe for purposely destroying my well laid out plans. Then I blamed my husband because he obviously had no care or concern whatsoever! He put the ladle away to mess with my reminder! He could have put it away but didn't do it! He did this to destroy my soup! Why would he do that to me? I made this soup for him too! Why doesn't he care about how hard I work to cook, clean, and try not to waste anything!
I was getting ready to give him a piece of my mind when I had to stop to laugh at myself. The soup-hating-universe, and my husband, had conspired against me personally. I had taken it personally and was now assigning blame to avoid acquiring shame.
Step one, I got real with myself. I admitted that I didn't feel good and I was very upset because of my lack of energy. My husband and I both had been ill. He had worked a 10-hour shift.
In step two, I analyzed my expectations. I thought we would have soup, which would save me time and energy. That is a healthy expectation. It isn't healthy, yet, to expect that someone is going to read my mind and the future! He'd magically know that I was going to pass out and put the soup away. His motivation was sleep.
Step three, I needed to have a little compassion for everyone involved. My husband and I work very non-traditional hours. We had dinner at midnight and the only thing we wanted was sleep. It isn't uncommon for us to fall into bed and pass out around 3 AM. Was I taking it personally? Yes. Both my husband and I weren't feeling great at all. He was being as helpful as he could be, based on the way he was feeling after a 10-hour shift on his feet. Generally, I would've done another pass through the kitchen to clean it, but I wanted to sleep more. It was time to forgive everyone involved, even the soup-hating-universe.
Step four, was I taking it personally? Yes, I was. And it wasn't at all personal. Now that my mindset was in the right place, I could look at solutions instead of blame and shame. How can I keep this from happening again? I use my Instant Pot constantly. For me, it made sense to add a reminder on my phone to put the food away. Also, I made a little magnet to visually remind me. Problem solved. The guilt of wasting food alleviated by a better plan. No one gets shamed or blamed.
That is a pretty easy example. If you practice these steps with the little issues, then they will be habits when it is time to apply them to bigger issues. Next, we will discuss how this applies to a bigger issue.
There was someone I adored more than anything in my life. They became my roommate. For three months I'd covered my roommate's rent and car payments. It was money I didn't have to spend. I held onto the promise that they would pay me back next month. When I say payback, what I mean is that I was hoping they would resume paying their own bills. That would have been good enough for me. Payback next month never happened. Three months later I had lost thousands and was about to lose more than money.
There were clues everywhere that I chose to ignore. While cleaning the house, I had to pick up their clothes off of the floor around the laundry area. I found "their" clothing with the anti-theft devices still attached. I discovered that they were doing heroin in the bathroom. The company that leased their car, the payments I thought I was paying, towed the car away. That money had been going to something else. They then refused to take public transportation to work and chose to quit instead. We had to buy lockable safes and change the locks on bedroom doors because they started stealing prescription meds and money. I was a prisoner in my own home.
I took it personally. Why are they doing this to me? Don't they know how much I love them? Don't they know I'm working all these hours to help them? What did I do wrong? What could I do or say to make things better, to help them understand? These questions ran rampant in my head. I felt shame. I felt that the whole ordeal was my fault. I felt that I needed to continue giving and giving so that they would feel my love for them.
Taking it personally was a paralyzing mistake in a terrible situation. I was afraid to establish boundaries because I felt that the person was doing it to me. I felt it was my fault because I had failed them. I didn't make them feel loved. The truth is, their actions had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.
If someone is doing something, and you feel that it is personal, ask yourself, "what's the carrot"? Remember the old cartoons where they'd put the carrot on a stick to motivate the donkey to walk? That's what we are looking for here. What is the person's real motivation? What's their carrot? Look at those basic drives such as eating, sleeping, and belonging/love. The person in my story had poor self-esteem and felt unloveable. Love is one heck of a carrot.
My roommate had a shame-based identity. They tried to cover it up with a glossy expensive identity. They believed that the shiny images on social media were real life. They worked hard to build this persona by borrowing money from friends, family, and significant others. Then they sold it to others. They were in a "love" relationship built on this fake image. Their significant other brought a whole host of addictions and mental difficulties. This person lived terrified that, once the truth was out, their love relationship would be over. My roommate wasn't wrong. Something built on a lie can only last so long. They burnt bridges to support this lie. When they couldn't finance it any longer, they turned to theft and loans that they could never payback. They used the cash we handed them to fuel their image and addictions. It had nothing to do with us and everything to do with them.
After you identify the carrot, let's discuss the actions in your control. You only control what you do. So what did you do? Keep in mind that this is not a blaming or shaming step. The ball is in your court and the only thing that matters is what you can do. Don't fantasize about what you could've done if only you could've seen the future. Hindsight is 20/20, as my father always tells me. That means that we can see the past and know what to do now. It isn't kind to judge yourself on that. It isn't helpful or healthy. If you catch yourself beating yourself up, stop it. Sit with someone trusted and tell them the scenario. Ask them if you could have prepared or changed approaches. Keep in mind that people generally act without thinking of the action's impact on you, or think that the benefit to them outweighs the impact on you. I want you to consider your actions from the standpoint of what you can do when a similar situation arises. These are tools to help you in the future. Lessons always pop up again. They keep popping up until we learn them. Let's make a plan based on learning a lesson, not blaming ourselves or someone else. Email me or comment if you'd like to discuss analyzing an event in a safe space here.
Years later, and a lot of studies, I have learned a lot. I have learned not to take other people's actions personally, how to take care of myself, and how to forgive. In my situation, I could've set healthy living situation boundaries on day one. Instead, I worried about preserving the relationship and lost it anyway. I could've set healthy financial boundaries rather than enabling the person. I should have addressed my suspicions immediately instead of fearing losing the relationship. Remember not to beat yourself up. At the time, I was in a terrible place mentally and emotionally. I acted in the way that seemed right to me at the time. I used this hurt to heal. Now I am a different person. In the future, I will respect myself enough to have these boundaries. These lessons have served me well. If the relationship isn't strong enough for me to have healthy boundaries, what does that say about the relationship?
Now that we've put together a plan for the future, it is time to forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive the person. Keep in mind, it isn't acceptable what happened. We may have to discontinue that relationship for our own safety. I did. It isn't alright, but it's ok. You're gonna make it anyway! Remember that Whitney Houston song? Anyway, before I go off on that tangent, I want to share with you what made it possible for me to forgive.
I always thought that forgiveness was a powerful force, but I couldn't do it. I read the Gospels and wondered how Jesus could be so forgiving. How could he not be mad? How could he not be sad? I want to forgive people, but the pain of what happens still hits me at times. Doesn't feeling that pain undo trying to forgive them? No, it doesn't.
Eckhart Tolle in his book, Stillness Speaks, points out that people act at their level of consciousness at that moment. Accept that they acted at their level of consciousness and that is forgiveness. For the purpose of forgiveness, we can define consciousness as self-awareness and awareness of others. This goes for you as well, you acted at the best of your ability at the time. Plan for next time and do better.
If you have knowledge of a particular religion or philosophy, examine the theme of forgiveness there. I contemplated Eckhart's idea of forgiveness. I compared and contrasted it with the religious text that I am most familiar with, the Bible. I could see it all through the bible. I could see it when Jesus forgave the Apostles in the garden of Gethsemane for falling asleep rather than keeping watch with him before his death. They weren't bad people. Their motivation was sleep. It made Jesus sad, but he forgave them. They couldn't see the future. I could see this idea of forgiveness when the Roman soldiers came to take him away and Peter attacked a Roman with a sword. Jesus reattached Roman's ear after Peter had cut it off. The Roman was doing his job as a soldier. Peter acted at his level at the time. I could see it when the Romans crucified Jesus and the soldiers started rolling dice to see who won his clothing. It wasn't personal. They wanted stuff. Jesus called out, "forgive them, for they know not what they do". The apostles acted at their level, so did the Romans. Jesus wasn't thrilled about either group's actions, but he understood that it wasn't personal. They were acting in accordance with their awareness of themselves and others at that time. It doesn't mean what happened was acceptable, but it wasn't personal.
When life gets rough, remember not to cause yourself unnecessary pain by taking it personally. Here's a little breakdown of how to get yourself in a mindset where you're looking for solutions.
Remind yourself that people's actions are based on who they are and what they want, not who you are and your wants.
What is the carrot/motivation of the other person (if there is another person involved)? Generally, you'll see that they are worried, scared, feel unloveable. It is more about them than you.
Remember that you only have control over your actions. How can you be prepared for the next time something similar happens? If you're unsure, reach out to someone who will help you. People who are uninvolved often have different perspectives that are helpful.
Forgive yourself. You're a human and you did the best you could at the time. Forgive others, they are human and they acted at their level of awareness of themselves and others. It doesn't mean that it is ok. You may have to revisit your boundaries.
I've thoroughly enjoyed this series and I appreciate you reading it and being part of it. Email or comment if you have questions and I'll be glad to help. Take care and see you next week!
Love, Your Self-Care Pixie
Resources to peek at:
Don Miguel Ruiz’s novel, “The Four Agreements.”
Eckhart Tolle's novel, "Stillness Speaks"
Tolle video on Yuutube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6sopIKFJeU
Bible: Luke 23:34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice. (NLT)
Bible: Matthew 26:36-46 regarding The Garden of Gethsemane
Evy Pompouras, "Becoming Bulletproof"