Christmas Day 2020.
It was one of those days. You might know the type. The one where everything you do, feel and attempt to do seems to fall short. I'll give you a little taste of what the day was like, but what the day was like matters less than what I learned from it.
Like many people all over the world, we weren't going to visit family due to the pandemic. Determined not to let the changes get me down, I woke up early, according to plan, to make Christmas breakfast. Yet, I did not know what Christmas day had planned for me.
Nothing went according to my plan. The first Christmas surprise was cat pee. Everywhere. My giant male cat has terrible aim, but the accidents are rare. Why today, I groaned. I kept telling myself to be grateful for the big jerk. In reality, I was mad. This was not my plan.
While I was cleaning that mess, my kitten decided that my giant mug of coffee was a problem. Swiping it off of my desk, 2 cups of black went everywhere. All over my writing notebook, my computer, my desk, and the floor. I chided myself for not looking for the silver lining. At least it isn't sticky because I drink it black, I tried to enthuse myself. I wasn't feeling anything but pissed at this point. This was not my plan.
After washing my hands a couple of extra times (cat pee is a terrible flavor additive), I started cooking and baking. Eggshell tried to embed itself into, well, everything. Fishing for eggshell is not entertaining. The power where I live is fickle, at best. I managed to lose power three times while baking. My husband's kitten decided she wanted to be a taste-tester so that meant I had to throw away a bunch of food and start over. None of this went according to my plan. Christmas hates me.
At this point, any amount of calmness I possessed completely evaporated. I yelled at the cats for being cats. I yelled at the fuse box for being old. I yelled at the landlords for a wonky power setup (no they weren't present for that). I yelled at my husband for being peacefully asleep (unfortunately for him, he was present for that).
I wanted to scream and cry. But most of all, I was angry with myself. Where had all my calm gone? All my prayers? I was livid! On Christmas Day of all days! Surely being angry on Christmas carries double weight. I know that it definitely made me a more grotesque failure in my own mind.
The next day, feelings of failure lingered. I had yelled at the people (animals) that I loved on Christmas. The events preyed on my mind all day. My plucky goal had been to create a magical day despite less than magical circumstances. Instead of making it magical, I made it miserable.
Later I shuffled onto my mat for my daily dose of yoga. I was hoping for a calm soothing practice that would make me feel like my body and emotions had been reset. Nope. That wasn't what I got. 50 minutes of frustration was what I encountered. Poses that should've been doable for me were causing me to sway and stumble. I should do better. I should be better. I was so off-balance. I hated every single minute of it. Despised it. Until the end.
The end of many yoga classes is often the corpse pose. You lay there and relax for a few moments. The goal is to give yourself at least 2 minutes to breathe. And not be or do anything else. Laying there, I gave a brief prayer of thanks that I made it through the practice. That is when it clicked. Nothing happens in isolation. Absolutely nothing. Knowing this leads to compassion and forgiveness.
What does that mean? Let's use a simplified example and see if you can identify how the same event, with different circumstances, may have a very different outcome! Nothing happens in a vacuum.
The Example: On your way to work, you are driving your car and someone cuts you off which nearly causes an accident.
Circumstances A: Let us say that your day has been lovely because you've practiced great self-care, you aren't stressed, and life is ok. The result is that you don't feel the person's driving as a personal attack. You don't screech out your window in rage, shaking your fist. You go along your way, not giving them another thought.
Circumstances B: Now let's say you had a very different day. You rushed out the door this morning because your alarm didn't go off. You didn't center yourself at all because there was no time. You needed to get going because, if you are late again, you and your boss are going to have a conversation. And then this person cuts you off. That person wanted to get in front of you! Now you're yelling some choice phrases. You might have made up a few new ones! Then you get to work and you are fuming about it. You tell everyone about it. If you are like me, you spend too much time contemplating what you could've said. Then you feel terrible because none of it was terribly nice. Next, you spend the rest of your day contemplating what sort of person you've become. Then we want to be hermits safely tucked in our cave far from humanity.
At least that is what I want to do. If only I could isolate myself away from irreverent cats, sleeping lovers, and wonky electrical systems! When I have those thoughts, I know that I'm missing the point. These times in my life where my emotions rage and tears flow, in response to something, is the point. Our lives can't, and won't, happen in isolation. We cannot grow and develop without those times. No one can.
A few questions came to mind on the mat. I had to get real with myself. I answered the questions. They eased the pain of my dreary cat urine soaked Christmas. Then I rose to my feet and nailed those poses (ok, so that isn't super important to you). The point is, they felt different now and I knew why. I had forgiven myself for not being perfect.
None of this is rocket science and we know that our circumstances impact our moods, behavior, and reactions. Isn't that what we're trying to grow past? The real question is; how does this help? And all of this talk about self-compassion makes me edgy. Isn't self-compassion for people who want excuses to continue making the same mistakes? What do I do when life hands me lemons and I want to stuff them in my gossipy coworker's eye sockets until they stop moving?
Below are the questions that came to me and can be used to help yourself grow, become better, and deal with these times in a kinder, more present, more flexible way
Are you being real with yourself?
What are your expectations?
Are you showing compassion for yourself?
Are you taking this personally?
Next week, we're going to dive into these questions. We're going to see how to make them applicable to our lives. I'm a hands-on person and I need that. We will learn how they relate to the idea that nothing happens, including our reactions, in isolation. We will discuss tips to make cat pee and coffee-scented days better.
In the meantime, what helps you deal with those less than stellar days?