Thank you for joining me for the next installment of thriving during difficult times. If you've missed a few steps, don't worry! I'll give you some links at the bottom and some great resources. I got you covered, doll!
Let's talk about the next step! Thriving during difficult times requires being nice to yourself. Surprised? I was.
People give a lot of reasons why they aren't nice to themselves. I'm too busy. I don't even like myself! I don't know what to do! I won't get anything done, it will make me weak! Other people aren't nice to me, why should I be nice to me? Am I painting a picture for you now?
Let me paint you one better, from my life.
Years ago, I worked for a prestigious company in an enviable management position. My parents were so proud of me. Friends and colleagues envied me. I had finally made "it". I had finally become an adult.
I was falling apart.
My family was struggling in so many aspects. My husband suffered from chronic pain, chronic illnesses. His doctor told him he'd no longer be able to work. It didn't surprise me, because he could barely dress in the morning because of the pain he was in. Despite what the doctor said, he pushed and pushed to work. It turned into a vicious cycle of getting a job, working 15-hour workdays, followed by running him to the Emergency Room, and losing the new job. His job was his identity. Eventually, he knew he couldn't do it anymore.
Losing that identity caused him to develop debilitating depression. He lost his spark. The doctor's put him on opiates. You can imagine the issues that developed next. He lost his will to get up, to interact with me or others. He often would stare into space with a glazed look in his eye.
In a course of a few months, my life transformed. I became the sole breadwinner. I would work for 10 hours, take care of my husband, come home to sleep for three, and then go back to work for 2-5 more hours. Then I'd come back home, clean the house, take care of my husband, and sleep as much as possible before the day started again.
Adding fuel to the dumpster fire that was my life, the teens in my family were struggling. My stepdaughter's asthma was a constant torment to her. Sometimes I would wake up and stand by her bedroom door, simply to make sure I could still hear her breathing. A teen boy, whom I considered my own child (I found him on a street corner in the snow - more on that another day), committed suicide. There was no warning. I blacked out during the phone call. I can only remember saying, "no", when she told me. I can't remember anything else. Our roommates were actively bringing heroin into the house. Did you know that people high on heroin don't pay rent, clean, or do anything generally healthy? Well, now you do.
The final nail in the coffin that way my life was being assaulted by someone I thought was a friend. I thought he was safe. Now I was afraid every time I saw any stranger that even remotely resembled him. My marriage had hit an iceberg.
I determined to push through it all with a smile on my face. Can you imagine that? I didn't want anyone to know something was wrong while I fantasized about suicide. I didn't want to die though, I was so very tired. My emotions were spiraling out of control. I had no control over them. I was either elated, depressed, or furious. I was always tired. There was no in-between. And when you're a person like me, who is extreme in general, that is not a good thing.
I wasn't compassionate with myself. My expectation was that I would be the best manager possible, always there to support my team. My expectation was that I would be a kind nurse to my husband. My expectation was that I would be able to keep the house clean and perfect. Remember what a pain in the arse those expectations are? My expectations weren't realistic. Mine weren't kind. Mine weren't compassionate.
So what happened? Reality punched me in the nose.
My boss told me to go home and take a few days off. The new supervisor said I looked stressed. He looked at my schedule and thought it was too full. But he wasn't going to change it. A little rest should do it, right? He handed me the paperwork from HR, telling me how they could help and what my rights were. I cried like a baby in his office.
Personal smugness note: his new supervisor quit 5 days after doing my job.
I felt insulted and angry. I didn't want to take time off. Work felt like the only thing I could do right. When I went home, I went home as a failure in my eyes. Facing my family and telling them why they had sent me home filled me with shame. I wasn't tough enough to cut it, I decided.
Well, I'm one of those people who always read the paperwork. I always read the directions, instructions, and so I read the paperwork from HR. I called the number and they set me up with a therapist that specialized in EMDR. He saved my life.
After speaking about the past, the present, the therapist asked me about my goals. My goal was to go back to work. He pointed out that I had no goals for myself, no self-care, and no boundaries. I definitely had no boundaries. Give until you hurt! Then give a bit more, right? Sound familiar?
After a few sessions, he diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. Fortunately for me, he had extensive experience with veterans suffering from PTSD. I listened to him and filed for a leave of absence to enable me to focus on healing.
I'm healing. I'm so much better than I was. I will be so much better than I am. There have been a lot of missteps along this journey. Generally, all those missteps have happened from not being compassionate to myself. I'm learning. I'll always be learning. You can learn too. I promise that you can! You'll tremble, fall, fly, and glide, but you will make progress!
You may want to be compassionate with yourself, but it may not come naturally to you. How can we grow it? How can we do it when we don't know how or don't feel like it?
Here are a few general guidelines:
1. Fake it until you make it.
Seriously. I don't care how you feel about yourself, pretend that you like yourself enough to try the following steps. I promise it won't make you weak to be kind to you. You'll grow stronger than before.
2. BOUNDARIES: you need them!
Get real with yourself! Yes, this does circle back to that! Are you getting enough sleep? Enough healthy food? Is your mental health feeling stable? If not, you need boundaries! It is time to ask people for help, time to say no. This isn't being selfish. Let me say that again in case you are as dense as I am. This isn't being selfish. This is a matter of survival. If you aren't sure how to do it, I recommend watching Evy Poumpouras on YouTube (and other platforms). She also has a book, Becoming Bulletproof, that I am thrilled to be ordering and reading ASAP. No, this isn't sponsored by anyone and I don't know her personally. I really love what she has to say that much.
3. Expectations. Yes, those again.
See how these items loop together? Nothing happens in a vacuum, nothing is isolated. I could've handled 1 of these events if everything else was going great. Trust me, I've handled worse things. However, all these events happening in quick succession was too much for me. So, I want you to make sure that you aren't isolating one expectation and assuming you can do it. You have to look at the big picture and see if it makes sense. I may be able to keep my house quite neat when things are going perfectly, but that's not real life. What else is going on? Throw in an Emergency Room trip for my husband, a car wreck, a natural disaster, and keeping the house spotless becomes a crazy expectation.
4. What are you doing for your mental health?
Are you seeing a therapist (I recommend it if you are able to do so)? Are you journaling? This may not be your jam. I love it, but as soon as you say the word to my husband, he will run out the door on you!
5. Are you scheduling in self-care?
No, I don't mean buying a candle and taking a bubble bath. I mean, are you scheduling things to feed your mind, body, and soul?
Let's do a quick journaling exercise to self-assess. You can write these down (which of course I recommend) but you don't have to as long as you get real with yourself. What's the state of your affairs in the following places:
How are your finances? Are you over or underspending?
How is your mood? Stabil? Volatile?
How is your body? Do you feel good? Do you feel healthy?
Do you feel in control of your thoughts and emotions? Or do you feel as if, if XYZ person would do the right thing, you would be alright?
Relationships: do you have good friends? How are things with the family? Lovers? Are you spending time with people that make you feel drained, toxic?
How long has it been since you've done something you enjoyed? Do you even know what you enjoy? IF you don't, think back to when you were a little kid. What was fun for you? For example, I would sit on my mom's old mechanical typewriter and type up little short stories. I still remember the sound of the mechanical clacking, the smell of ink from the ribbon, my sticky blue fingers after trying to replace it.
Take a long hard look at these areas and pick 1 thing you could do, for 5 minutes, ONLY 5 minutes, to make progress in them. Why? It is the micro habits in your life that are forming your life now. These habits are making or breaking you. They get you good food or a bag of chips. They get you the exercise you love or Netflix and ice cream. I do love ice cream. They get you to journal out your feelings or yell at that guy that just cut you off in traffic.
Pick 1 area that you feel needs the most attention or makes the most sense to tackle right now. What sort of person do you want to be? A person who saves money? A person with a stable mood? A healthy person? What do they eat, drink? How do they spend their free time? What are the tiny things they do every single day? Then, pick 1 micro habit. Tend to it daily for 5 minutes. Set a timer for 5 minutes only. When the timer goes off, stop. If you want to stop. If you don't, carry on. I'm begging you to give 5 minutes to yourself.
What can 5 minutes do? Plenty. Sit back in your seat and listen to this pixie!
First of all, you can do ANYTHING for 5 minutes. So it is easy. You can do 5 minutes of something good for yourself, even when life sucks.
Second, throw out the fancy big ideas. Look at the micro-steps. Do you want to run a marathon? Cool. Have you spent 5 minutes simply putting on your workout clothes every day? Try doing only that first.
Doll, if I can do 5 minutes of yoga while a fire is raging toward my home and I'm dealing with a botched evacuation order, anyone can do this. Was it elegant? No. Was it perfect? Heck no. But did I touch my toes and watch my breath for 5 minutes? Yes. You can do this.
Third, you make progress toward the goal of taking care of yourself. Progress, not perfection. Winston Churchill once said, “Perfection is the enemy of progress.” Perfection is a myth. Don't put your life on hold until you have the perfect circumstances to do the perfect action. It will never come. Don't get perfection paralysis. You'll fall off the wagon. It is fine. Just hop back on.
Fourth, you will change who you are to who you want to be. You can break down the habit of taking care of yourself. Break them into 5-minute increments, perform the task every day, and change your perception of yourself. It changes it by registering the fact that you do what XYZ person would do, you do it daily, so you must be that kind of person! It is the easiest Jedi mind trick ever. If I want to do yoga every day, I take 5 minutes to roll out my mat, stretch and put it away. This tricks my mind into thinking I'm a yoga person. And now, I'm a yoga person! What person do you want to be? What do those people do?
I do appreciate your time and effort in reading this blog. I'll see you next week where we'll continue discussing how to thrive during difficult times. Next, we're going to talk about taking things personally. This one always bites me in the behind!
I want to take a moment to gently whisper in your ear, my friend that you've got this. You can do this. I know you can thrive. Pick one good thing for yourself. You deserve to have 1 good thing. Seriously! You do. Email me at the360lifejourney, or comment, if you need a little boost.
With much love and respect for you,
the Self-care Pixie.
PS:
These are the links I promised:
Thrive Blogs
Week 1
Resources/Information:
Fake it till you make it
Evy Poumpouras
Want to learn about self-care and setting boundaries? I also use the self assessment questions in this book often.
Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps - Melody Beattie
Infographic on areas of self-care is from the nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/self-care-master-post
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear
Kirsten Naturally