Last week I started my series on thriving in the bad times. These are the times that don't work out despite the fact that you are working your butt off to make them work. I wrote about trying to make a Pandemic Christmas into a magical day for the family. Instead, it turned into a cat-pee and coffee-scented nightmare. If you didn't catch it, or want a recap, you can catch it here.
How do we cope with our cat-pee and coffee-scented nightmares? By asking ourselves a few questions. I'm asking you to sit down with me (and yourself) and we're going to spend a little time over the next 4 weeks asking questions. These questions will help us reframe our expectations, enjoy life more, and grow as people. The following questions are the questions we will be dissecting and learning to apply:
Are you being real with yourself?
What are your expectations?
Are you showing compassion for yourself?
Are you taking this personally?
We're hitting a tough one today! The number one question, in fact. Are you being real with yourself? Why is this a tough question, you may be asking yourself? I understand if you are. If someone asked me that, I would scoff a little bit and snarkily say to myself, of course, I am! How could I not be real with myself? I know what I'm thinking.
Uh-huh. Sure you do, Sarah.
I'm a perfectionist. I have this insane idea that I can do everything perfectly. Part of that perfectionism seems to be wearing a smiley mask. It isn't real. It isn't being real with me or you. It is difficult for me to let the mask drop, for many reasons, but I'll list a few to see if any of them resonate with you. First, I don't want to scare people. In my life, people depend on me to be calm. They depend on me to show them that things will work out ok. It is a smiley mask to show everyone, but most of all myself, that everything is under control. I'm juggling the dishes, a few of them are flying out of my hands and hitting the wall, and I'm smiling like a lunatic. It's a coping mechanism. Additionally, our society isn't one that always honors honesty or openness. Get real to the wrong people and you will receive some unsolicited judgments and advice. A parent might express being tired or emotional and then be judged as being a poor parent because they have feelings and biological needs. A significant other may be more introverted than the other and be judged as cold for needing more space. Conversely, a more extroverted partner might be labeled as needy.
You get the picture. These are just a few of the problems people run into when being authentic! I'm sure you have a few stories of your own (and I would love to hear about them! Send me an email at The360LifeJourney@gmail.com or drop me a comment). Now that you are sitting with me, and yourself, I'd like you to engage in this dialogue, but I want you to be kind. I know, we expect a lot of ourselves, and for many of us, being kind to ourselves doesn't come easy. However, I want you to act like you are listening to your favorite person in the world open up their soul to you. If you don't have a favorite person, think of a sweet child (doesn't have to be a real child), a pet (why not?). I want you to give a high level of kindness to yourself as you listen. To make it a little easier, we'll break it down into some sub-questions and actions.
First, stop everything you are doing. Stop multi-tasking. You're supposed to be sitting with me, remember? Lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to. Now tell me, how do you feel? Tired, wired, sickly, or healthy. How is your mood? Angry, lonely, sad, depressed, or disappointed? Admit it. Be real. You aren't super-person. You aren't perfect. Stop trying so hard. Be whatever you are right at this moment. Be mad, be sad, and let yourself cry if you feel like it. Give yourself at least 5 minutes to let yourself be whatever you are. In the French Art of not Giving a Sh*t, Midal emphasizes the idea that we need to stop judging our emotions, hiding them from ourselves, and let them be. Powerful feelings often need expression. Journal if you like, call a friend, pray, cry, sigh, paint a picture, compose a poem, or yell at the mirror if you need to get it out. Don't worry about "fixing" things right now.
If a child expressed this to you, what would you do for them immediately? Yeah, you read that right. I want you to pretend it isn't you feeling this way so you'll be nice to yourself. There's a brilliant therapist, Marisa Peer, and she often talks about self-parenting. I'm not talking about getting down to your inner child, I'm talking about getting back to the basics of being a human. We're talking Maslow's Hierarchy of needs (for example, you need to not be starving to death before you write that symphony).
It is often difficult to be kind to ourselves, but we can be kind to a child. That is what we are going to do before we progress with any of the other questions.
Here's a list (flavored with my thoughts and tips) of what we ask children during difficult times:
Question: When was the last time you ate? Are you hungry?
A little bit of protein and carbohydrates can make a world of difference (yogurt and fruit, nuts and cheese, etc). Try and google some healthy snack/meal ideas.
Question: Have you slept? Are you in a situation where you can take a nap?
Lunchtime naps at work in my car saved lives. You don't want to know me when I'm tired. If you can't nap, try a few of these tips. Walk for 5 minutes, drink some water and/or tea and get to bed a little bit earlier (even 5 minutes earlier is better than nothing). Will these cure exhaustion? Nope. Can they help push you through temporarily? Yup. Something that I've done from time to time is google how medical staff survives crazy double shifts. Those survival tips can help! Just don't live in survival mode.
Question: Do you feel loved and valued?
Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that someone loves us. It might be your great Aunt or your spouse. You might have to remember someone who isn't even living anymore. It might even be your pet. No one loves me as much as my giant silly black cat. My husband's dog might come in second on the list. If you are a spiritual person, think about your higher power and the love they have for you. People may be treating you in a way that is making you feel unloved. If that is the case, get real about it and admit it. Then, let's focus on those that make us feel loved (seriously, pets are great for this because they always like you). We'll tackle the nitty-gritty issues later.
Question: Do you feel emotionally supported?
If not, it is time to support yourself. This can be rough.
I know of people who create email folders or files where they store positive accolades for their future reference. Some days are harder than others. Don't leave it up to your memory on the rough days. I definitely suggest putting a few positive words in an accessible location (digital or not) so that you can read them. Today, you may have yelled at your spouse for sleeping peacefully while your cat knocked over your coffee, ate dessert, and then peed on the rug. Now is the time to grab those kudos and remember the time when you did a great job on that project or when you were a good friend. Make a note of things you have done that you are proud of. You aren't being vain. If my child paints a lovely picture and they are proud of it, I am going to give them kudos.
If you have a self-care box, put those kudos in that box! You can add some other ideas too:
People will put a few feel-good books in the box
Put in a feel-good movie (comedy or watch a guilty pleasure reality tv show)
Stash candles and/incense (if you have some you like)
Throw in a little snack (I have dark chocolate but you could put potato chips in there if you want. Make sure it isn't something that goes bad)
Store a little drink (I have a tiny bottle of champagne but you could go with a can of Mountain Dew – you do what feeds your soul)
Question: Do you feel safe?
If you don't feel physically safe, it is time to get into a safer situation. I beg you to talk to people and get to a safe place. We would never want a child to be in an unsafe situation, we shouldn't put ourselves there either.
Question: Have you created a good life full of healthy structure for your child (aka you)?
Are you sending yourself to bed at a good time? Eating a bit better (don't get crazy and outlaw pizza forever)? Engaging in safe exercise? Are you giving yourself time to play? Kids need a break! We all need a break! Do you have hobbies? Chores?
I work from home and creating a structure for myself is a must. I have blocked out times for sleeping, eating, working, playing, spirituality, mental health, physical health, taking care of cats, dogs, the family, the home, etc. I use the free calendar and reminder map on my smartphone to free up my mind and set my schedule. I used to use a written planner. Either works.
Also, you can combine many things on your "to-do" list to create a healthier structure! I adore walking. For me, it makes me feel better mentally and spiritually. The dog and the husband need to be walked. I combine caring for the dog, feeding the relationship with my hubby, caring for my body, and caring for my mind by walking together.
If you have children, play with them! This combines parenting and your need to play too. They want to play with you (do it quick before they don't want to anymore – trust me). It doesn't have to be as structured as a game. Inside your home awaits a world of tea parties, undersea excursions, theatrical performances, fashion shows, epic battles, forts, or ask to meet your little one's favorite stuffed animals and get to know their personalities. I have a great time doing this with the students that I teach English! Regardless of age, there is always room to play. It doesn't cost anything and they'll remember it long after you aren't around anymore.
That being said, a word on structure: Be flexible. Remember, a schedule/structure is simply a container for your day. Things happen. You may have to shift gears. You're human. It is ok.
Two examples from my life:
My schedule tanked for 2 days when an unforeseen electrical issue left my home without power for 2 days. My gorgeous schedule was replaced by research (why is it broken & how to fix it?), how to eat (electric appliances), figuring out a basic living situation without electricity. Another example is a surprise visit from friends we hadn't seen in ages. We put our schedule on hold so we could enjoy them. Life went back to normal after the good and the bad.
These situations are temporary and so were the disruptions. If disruption is happening all the time, and you can't keep your schedule ever, it is time to ask yourself if you've created a structure that makes sense for your life. Often, our schedule is a poorly created hodgepodge of what we've been taught should be our schedule. We'll get into that more next week.
So why are you going to all this trouble? You are a person. You need to get real with yourself to see that. This question is designed to remind us that we are human beings. You aren't holding up the world. You don't have to be perfect. You can't be perfect, my dear. It is ok! It might not feel like it ok right now if you are crying on the toilet while toddlers circle your feet like sharks attracted to blood on the high seas. But it is ok. You are ok. Taking care of yourself will help you cope with crap days, which will help you take care of others. This is also going to be the jumping-off point for future questions in the series.
So put yourself down for a nap (or go to bed early), grab a drink of your choice and a little snack, and smile at yourself, darling. I'll see you next week where we'll dive into the next question.