Do you trust yourself? I don't. I find that a surprisingly large number of people don't. If you aren't sure, look at the little things that you do in your life. This is where the truth is plainly displayed. When it is time to make simple choices, do you go with your gut? Or do you feel the need to consult your friends, neighbors, family? Don't get me wrong, sometimes it is good to ask for advice. Particularly good times to ask for advice are when we are making huge life-altering decisions. Does your lunch qualify? Probably not. Another good situation for which to ask advice is when we are we have little experience about the subject matter and need to make a choice. Does that apply to what you should do with your leisure time? Probably not.
I like to leave my decisions up to other people. I have the sneaky little feeling that I do this so I don't have to take the responsibility for the decision. I get to blame someone for the fact that I asked them for lunch recommendations and they went awry. They suggested tuna, I wanted steak. I ordered their recommendation and it was ok. It wasn't what I wanted. Now I can gripe internally (or even externally) about the fact that I wanted X, but got "stuck" with Y. Why do we do this? There's a couple of reasons. Lack of confidence is one of those reasons and blame avoidance. In the United States of America and other places, taking the blame is avoided at all costs. Why? Blame means that we did something wrong. We suffer from a sort of decision paralysis. If I don't make a decision, I can't blame myself for the consequences, right? Wrong. No decision is a decision. I could have ordered the steak, but I chose the Tuna. Start to watch yourself in the little things of life and you will learn a lot. Yesterday, confronted me with this head-on.
I deal with a health issue that causes a great deal of fatigue and I have to tailor my day according to energy level. My husband had a great idea about my workouts and my energy level. He recommended that I create playlists based on energy level and my needs for the day. Due to my unnatural love of lists, I immediately agreed. I created a lovely bunch of playlists to help me better manage my workouts, based on my energy level. The plan was to use these with the Yoga with Adriene monthly calendars to help plan my workouts. I figured, with my husband's brilliant idea and Adriene's calendar, I couldn't go wrong! Wrong!
His idea is still brilliant and Adriene's calendar is still useful. Unfortunately, I forgot something crucial. My energy and Adriene's calendar may not always line up, which is why I created the playlists in the first place. If they don't mesh up, that means I have to make a choice. I have to select a workout from one of the playlists that I created! This felt incredibly scary! She's an expert! Who am I? Am I being a slacker?
Yesterday, I felt exhausted. I looked at Adriene's calendar and her plan didn't line up with my drooping levels of energy. I decided to go for it anyway and follow her plan, instead of my own. I simply didn't trust how I felt physically and my ability to care for myself. What I needed was something stretchy and nurturing, what I got was the opposite of that.
I whined the whole time. When the realization hit me at the end of the practice, I had to start laughing at myself. This was MY choice. I had a list of practices that would've suited me better for the day. I could've taken care of myself. Instead, I trusted someone else's plan over my own knowledge of my body that day.
Why does any of this matter? It matters because our decisions are a major factor in deciding our happiness. Our happiness is in our hands. We have to create it by guarding our health, time, relationships, our hearts, and minds. If we fail to make decisions with our happiness in mind, others will make decisions for us. They will base their choices on their wants and desires. Effectively, we are handing someone the steering wheel and telling them to drive us wherever. Then we get pissed when we end up somewhere we didn't want to go. It's time to drive ourselves.
I have a daily project that I've been doing. I work to do something that makes me uncomfortable every single day. I do this to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sometimes I do this through Yoga, trying a new skill, having a difficult conversation, establishing boundaries, and even intentionally seeking out rejection (I'm a writer and artist – you have to get used to rejection). I've decided to augment this project to raise my confidence and trust in myself. I'm including an addition that is not asking everyone and their cat to make choices for me. I've created a little questionnaire to help me do this because there are good times to ask for help and YES, decision fatigue is a real thing!
Is this a major decision?
Yes
Gather the information that I know already.
Complete a weighted Pros and Cons list (because not all Pros and Cons are equal!).
Ask for other opinions, experiences, and facts.
Add to, or adjust, the weighted Pros and Cons list.
Make decision.
Pray. Just kidding! Well, sort of.
No
Skip to the next question.
Can this decision impact my day/week?
Yes
Do I need more time before I make a decision?
Often, the answer is yes and most daily decisions will allow for a little time to decide. For example, Sally asks me to go grab a coffee a week from now. I'm not sure what my schedule looks like so I will tell her I'll check back with her after looking at my schedule.
How do I feel mentally or physically?
If I'm not feeling great, it is time to pick something that will nurture me.
Am I afraid of doing X,Y,Z? Will it grow me as a person? If fear is the only roadblock to an activity that will grow me, let's do it. Here's an instance when I would use this: I hate ab workouts. If I have one scheduled, it is time to dig deep and find out if I'm avoiding it because I feel like trash or if I just don't want to do an ab workout. If I just don't want to do it, then I need to do it.
Is this something that has to be done?
If so, when does it have to be done?
Can I rest before I do it?
Can someone help me do it?
If I can't rest before, could I rest after?
What would I do if I were the only person that this decision impacted?
This isn't always an option, but it definitely will help get you in touch with what is going on in you. For example, I have to clean the cat's litter box. It isn't an option not to do it, but if it were just me, I wouldn't touch cat litter. But it has to be done (or so the cats tell me....). If I'm beat, I could decide to delay it or ask for help with it though. However, in the case of a solo lunch, it is all about me.
No
Skip to the next question.
Do I care what decision is made?
Yes
Why do I care? Perhaps this does impact my day/week?
No
There are 2 options:
Let's someone else make the decision.
Pick the healthiest option. For instance, if I don't care if I have tuna or steak, either sounds good. Pick whichever is the healthiest for that day.
Think over if you are driving yourself or if you are letting others do it. If you are letting others do it, this is a good time to ponder why that is and take a little more control. Do it in the little things. The little things are a training ground. A good place to get into practice. Once you get into the swing of it with the tiny instances of life. We'll be able to handle the bigger instances with more ease and a lot more confidence. I fully believe it and I'm seeing it in my own life. Let me know how taking control of your daily decisions is working for you! Feel free to email me if that is easier for you!
Thinking of you,
Your Self-Care Pixie